i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
