He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
