as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
