MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
