Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
