peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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