i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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