Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
