I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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