Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
