She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
