Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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