I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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