if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
