his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
