If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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