Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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