Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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