i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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