Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
