Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
