The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
