Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
