Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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