M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You made out with two different species that night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
