youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
