I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
