at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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