Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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