you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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