i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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