in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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