yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
