The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
