my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
