Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
