I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
