Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
