You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
