so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
