Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
