Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
