I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
