Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
