So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
