I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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