You made me cry and you don't even care
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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