but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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