i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
