Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
