Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
