So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
