Jerry, you need to find god
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
